What is the one thing that when addressed it would change EVERYTHING?
My fellow veteran homeschool mama friend had invited us over for lunch and to share her favorite math resources with me. Her home was lovely and in a beautiful neighborhood. It’s well-kept, but clearly lived in. Tidy, not messy, but not white glove test ready, if you know what I mean. She has teenagers after all!
Lunch was delicious and my kids and I felt welcomed, at ease and immediately at home. Not dig in the pantry for yourself “at home”, but you get the idea. The atmosphere was peaceful and soothing. As we ate our soup and chatted, the kids laughed and talked around the table. A sibling made a joke at the expense of another and quickly apologized for the offense after a mere “mom look.” I chuckled at the interaction because it wasn’t a comment most people would even consider “mean” or “bullying”. I could tell how much work has gone into cultivating mutual respect and love in that home. Zero tolerance for rudeness between siblings can feel like a never ending battle! I could feel the results of that stance in the air.
After the kids ran outside to fly kites, my friend and I looked at resources and chatted about homeschool approaches for quite some time. The kids played happily outside and occasionally took breaks to come in to play games or grab a snack. The teens didn’t begrudge playing cars with my preschooler or carrying around my toddler (in fact, I think the baby started to take advantage of all the attention)! The genuine care and connection with each other that all the kids displayed was heart warming. And it gave us moms a peaceful, fun afternoon of great conversation. No fights, squabbles or tattling interruptions.
It was such a peaceful afternoon we lost track of time! I left their home feeling refreshed, hopeful and excited about my own homeschool journey. I began reflecting on the day and had to message my friend, thanking her for her hospitality and complimenting the atmosphere she has clearly worked to cultivate. Her response should not have surprised me: ”…It means so much to hear. I’m sure you saw it, but 1 Thessalonians 2:8 is hanging on our wall. We really hope that everyone who comes into our home feels like they’re sharing in our lives.”
We loved you so much that we shared with you not only God’s Good News but our own lives, too. -Thessalonians 2:8
To be honest, I hadn’t seen the verse plaque. But we certainly felt it! What a beautiful sentiment.
But it didn’t just happen by accident. They didn’t fall into being hospitable. It’s an intention. It takes effort and cultivation. Atmosphere in the home is created, whether unintentionally or with conscious commitment. If you want to have a home environment that is peaceful and welcoming, you have to create it.
It doesn’t matter if you live in a mansion or a shoe, if your house looks like something out of Better Homes & Gardens (dating myself, I know) or ordinary and non-descript. The atmosphere has more to do with invisible, intangible things. Mostly attitudes, interactions and mindsets of those who live there. Piles of garbage and laundry everywhere doesn’t help, but I would contend that hoarding or general messiness is physical evidence of the mindset of those living there.
Our home environments are deeply affected by the interactions, emotions and attitudes of everyone in the home. The primary caregiver leads that charge and has great influence over that atmosphere. Typically this is the mother in homeschool families, but I gotta give props to my homeschooling dads, too!
All those interactions and educational moments with our kids produce a fragrance, if you will. Something intangible that lingers in the air. Just like you can walk into a room and know someone just got done having an argument. Those interactions layer and linger to produce the atmosphere of your home. Is it a soothing, cozy sweater feeling with hints of vanilla bean and cinnamon resulting from mutual respect, peace and deep family connection? Or does it feel more like the chaos and frustration with an aroma of dirty gym socks and patchouli (which I always associate with covering up illicit behavior-if you know, you know) due to the frantic rushing around to get out the door, arguing and bickering?
As the leader, director and greatest influencer of your home atmosphere, it can feel overwhelming to even consider shifting your home environment. It can feel like your family culture is stuck in a rut. It is what it is, right?! You’re already overwhelmed and just trying to get through one day at a time. Trying to change the home atmosphere not only sounds like “just one more thing to do,” it also sounds a bit like a fantasy. This is real life. Things don’t always go the way they should. Bad things happen to good people. Kids do the most ridiculous things (often at the most inopportune times)! IE, as we’re racing out the door, already late, the teenager is having a meltdown while the toddler is “fingerpainting” in the bathroom. “How do you ‘cultivate peace and connection’ in that!?!?” you may be wondering.
I get it! I really do. So let’s have a cup of tea together…
Your home atmosphere is more than just the feeling guests have when they walk in the door. It’s also the energy you and your family takes with you to the grocery store, playdates and co-op. It’s the feelings attached to memories your kids will carry with them into adulthood. Your atmosphere is the thing that draws people to you or repels them. It’s what invites your adult children to come home for a meal or bring the grandkids over. Think of it as an invisible force field encapsulating your family. It goes with you, everywhere. You can’t escape it. Someone once told me, “No matter where you go, you can’t escape yourself.” At the center of your home atmosphere is you, mama (or dad). You are the heartbeat and founder of the environment.
While your family already has an established culture and atmosphere, you have the power to change it at any time. One small shift can make all the difference! In the midst of the overwhelm and chaos it can feel like a thousand things need to change in order to have peace and connection. But I have found there is often one thing (a root cause) that if addressed will change everything. It’s often a simple fix. But I know it can be difficult to see the forest through the trees.
I believe most people want to have deep, meaningful connections with their kids. I’m willing to bet you want your home and family to resemble my friend’s example above. Even if you feel like it’s impossible, there’s a part of your heart that aches for connection and positive interactions with your spouse and children. It’s not bad all the time. But is it the life and atmosphere you hoped for?
It takes time and intentionality to develop an atmosphere of connection. It takes choosing your battles and deciding what is most important to address in your home environment. Finding ways to create new, healthy ways of connecting and interacting with each other can be as simple as implementing a family game night! Here’s a fun resource to get you started. You’ll need to decide how and what to prioritize in household relationships and interactions. It also requires you to face your own “dragons” and deal with the thing that causes you to yell and scream at your kids when you’ve finally had enough.
I could tell in under an hour that my sweet friend from the story above has done the work. The results are worth it. The sweet smell of peace, respect and connection in the home is worth the work! The memories and influence our children will carry into their marriages and future families are worth it.
Let me know: What do you want people to feel when they walk in your door? What do they feel currently?
If those are two very different answers, I’d love to work with you and support you on your journey. Here’s where we can connect.
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